Don't Settle for Less!

Dear Queens,

Any man who feels your success is a threat to him, doesn't deserve you!

Any man who is EXTREMELY jealous, can do anything in rage.That man doesn't deserve you!

Any man who constantly reminds you of things he does for you, doesn't deserve you!

Any man who hits you, doesn't deserve you!

You do a man a favor by dating him. Not the other way round. After all, after marriage, na you go change your surname and still endure the pain of belle and childbirth. You deserve to be respected biko

SENTENCES YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL YOUR HUSBAND

1. "YOU SHOULD MAN UP"

If your intention is to challenge him to be better, these are not the words to use. These words make him feel undermined and belitted

2. "BEAT ME IF YOU ARE MAN ENOUGH"

Don't provoke him. Don't test him. Don't put you and him in a situation where you both say or do ugly things

3. "YOU ARE SUCH A MAMA'S BOY"

Even if you think he is accommodating his mother too much, saying this makes him feel you are attacking his mother. His mom will always be his mom. Find a way of honoring his mother as you pull him closer to you to build as a couple. Correct him without insulting his relationship with his mother

4. "F*CK YOU"

Curse words communicate disrespect. Hold your tongue

5. "GROW UP SOMETIMES"

This, similar to "Grow some balls" makes him feel you see him as a boy. You can inspire him to greatness without making him feel you are looking down on him

6. "MY FRIENDS WERE RIGHT ABOUT YOU"

This communicates you are gossiping about him and you value more what others say about him than the man you personally know him to be

7. "I REGRET MARRYING YOU"

In moments of anger, don't speak words that sow seeds of doubt in him. Communicate your disappointment in his specific actions without putting into question what you two have built all these time

8. "YOU DON'T SATISFY ME IN BED"

Don't mock his sexual performance in bed yet want the same man and same penis to satisfy you in future. Men make love with their heart and their ego. When you praise the little he does right to please you, he will seek to do more to pleasure you

9. "WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE OTHER MEN?"

Don't compare him with other men. He is unique. Speak to his individual identity

10. "DID YOU EVEN GO TO SCHOOL?"

Don't mock his intellect, especially if you have more formal education than him. You get nothing positive out of bringing a man down. Remember there was a time you used to admire him, speak to that man in him

11. "I AM WEARING THE PANTS IN THIS HOUSE"

Don't make him feel useless or his position undermined. He will withdraw and pull away. When a man feels unappreciated, he puts little effort

12. "YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER"

Why become his worst critic? These are not words that should come out of a life partner

13. "I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED ANOTHER MAN"

Why hit him below the belt. If you are done with him, leave him for good; instead of remaining in the marriage, praying for the marriage yet inside the marriage you are attacking him

Lady, your biggest ammunition is your tongue. Your biggest encouragement to your husband, are your words and tone

They Are Against Me Because I Married

They Are Against Me Because I Married A Man Who Helps With Household Chores

I was posted to this village to teach. When I first came here, it was very difficult for me to survive. Everything was new—their way of life, their language, and the way they related to each other. I told myself, “There’s no turning back. This is where I’m planted. I can only grow.”

A year later, I met another teacher from another school during the annual inter-school sports competition. He said, “Madam Joan. Are you from this village or you were posted here?” I looked at him. I asked, “How did you know my name?” He said, “Your kids have been mentioning your name since morning. It’s hard not to know your name.” I said, “I was posted here a year ago. Why do you ask?” He said, “Then you’ve adapted to the lifestyle here very well. How did you do it? I was posted here a few months ago but I’m finding it tough to adapt.” I told him, “I had the same issues from the beginning but time worked its magic. With time, you’ll adjust. Just make up your mind and make it a point that you have nowhere else to go. It helps.”

The next day I met him again. I got to know his name from his kids too. They called him Sir Jonathan. I said, “Oh you’re Jonathan? That’s my father’s name. He named me after himself. Somehow, he thought Joan is the female version of Jonathan so he gave me Joan.” He said, “Then forget about the Jonathan. Call me daddy.” I said, “If only you’ll give me pocket money every morning, then I wouldn’t mind calling you dad.” He laughed. We exchanged contacts. We became friends.

He came to my place every weekend to eat. On weekdays when he wanted to eat something he wouldn’t get from the village, he would give me money to cook so the two of us can eat. Even Before he proposed to me, everyone in the village thought we were dating. He said, “The whole village can’t be wrong. They think we are a couple. Let’s make it true.” I said, “They would call us liars. We’ve always told them that we are not couples but just friends. Think about that.” He said, “Then let the village think what they may think whiles we do what makes us happy. I will be very happy to have you as my girlfriend. Just say yes for the sake of my happiness.” I said, “How about my own happiness?” He said, “I will take care of that when you say yes to me.”

I said yes.

Nine months later, we got married. Marrying Jonathan was one of the easiest decisions I’ve had to make in life. He proved to be a capable companion throughout the period of our relationship. There was nothing he wouldn’t do. As far as my happiness was on the line, he would travel every mile to ensure things get done. He told me, “When you smile, I glow. I will do anything to have that smile.” He was in the kitchen with me all the time. I lived in a single room with a portion of the room made into a kitchen. When he was with me, he could have been in bed while I cooked but he would sit next to me and find a job for himself. What he couldn’t do, he asked me to teach him. I washed in my room. He did it with me. We will bring his things and the two of us will wash together. You see why I said it was easier to marry him? His kind of man isn’t easy to find so I made it easy for him to marry me.

When we got married, we needed a bigger place to stay so we moved a couple of blocks away and rented a place there. It is a compound house with as many as six different households living together in the same compound. Honestly, it’s the best place we could get in the whole village. It’s a single room that has a kitchen attached to it. When it comes to toilet and bath, the six households in the compound share a single toilet and a single bath. The rooms are opposite each other so you mostly see what everyone is doing in the house.

One morning, Jonathan went out to see a friend. I was in the room relaxing when I heard a knock on my door. I opened the door and saw the elderly woman whose room is directly opposite ours. She greeted and I responded. She said, “There’s something I would like to discuss with you. Can I have a chair?” I gave her a chair outside and sat next to her. She was speaking undertone. She said, “It’s about your husband and the way the two of you live. I don’t know how old your mother is but I believe I’m old enough to give birth to you. Because of that, I qualify to give advice or play a motherly role in your life. Why are you always in the kitchen with your husband? I’ve realized that you don’t cook your cassava until your husband is home. You want him to be the one to pound the fufu so you wait until he’s in before you put cassava on fire. Can’t you do it solo? You stir and pound at the same time. Can’t you?”

I was looking at her. I wanted her to finish what she had to say so I can clearly see her point. But she kept asking me questions. I said, “No I can’t. I can either pound or stir. I can’t do both at the same time.” She screamed, “That’s why you’re a woman. You have to learn. It’s a woman’s job to own the kitchen. Your husband has no place in there. You’re turning him into a man-woman and everyone around here is gossiping about it. It’s not good for his image as a man so do something about it.” I took in a deep breath and said, “I and my husband have been like this right from the beginning, even when we were not married. I don’t see anything wrong with that. We go to work together. We come home together. So we do home chores together too. What’s wrong with that?” She said, “Everything is wrong. Look around here and tell me. Have you ever seen any man in the kitchen with his wife? Change it. It’s not good.”

I went in and thought about the whole thing and started laughing. “This woman paaa what has come over her? Do I interfere in her marriage that she has the audacity to interfere in mine?” I didn’t tell my husband about it. He’s a man. If he gets to know people are gossiping about him, he may feel shy and stop helping around the house. I know Jonathan, he’s a shy person. In the house, he hardly speaks with anyone apart from exchanging greetings with them. I kept mute about the woman’s interference so we could have our peace and live the way we want to live.

On Saturday morning we were both washing. The woman was eating in front of her room. She was looking at us and chuckling. I didn’t mind. We both washed and I took them to the dryline to hang them. Later in the evening, I was in the room when Jonathan went to the drying line to remove our laundry. He came back with well-folded laundry and a smile on his lips. He said, “Guess what happened. The woman whose room is directly opposite to ours saw me removing the things and she asked me to stop. She then removed everything and folded them nicely for me.” I asked, “What did she say?” He responded, “She didn’t say anything. I only thanked her and left.”

Another day, Jonathan went out to fetch water but it was the woman who brought the water to our veranda. I went to the market with him and we were both coming home with loads in our hands. The woman sent her daughter to collect Jonathan’s load. He said, “No it’s ok, we are almost home.” She said, “My mom will be angry if I don’t take it from your hand.” She took it and sent it to our veranda.

Another morning, another knock on our door. Jonathan was out. This time it was the landlord’s wife who came to see me. She said, “The gossips around here is that you’ve used juju on your husband that’s why he does all the things you’re supposed to do. I know both of you are strangers around here. You’re educated too. Maybe where you come from, things like these are allowed but here in this village, it’s unheard of. I will urge you to do something about it. I don’t like the way the people in this house are talking about you. Four people so far had petitioned me and my husband to talk to you. I can’t sit unconcerned again, that’s why I’m here.”

I took my time to explain everything to her. “I don’t tell my husband what to do. It’s in his nature to do all the things he does to help around the house. And it makes sense because we both go to work together. We come home at the same time. We both get tired so we combine energy to finish the house chores so we can get time for ourselves before we sleep. Is that a bad thing to do?” She said, “Look around, even the jobless men around here don’t help in the kitchen. It’s never a man’s role to do that. That’s why they think you’ve bewitched your husband. If it’s not true then make him stop. If you need help, you can call any kid around here and they’ll be happy to help you.”

I thought I was strong but I was hurt the way she said it. When my husband came from town, I told him everything. He was very mad. He said, “Forget about them. If they have any issues, they should come to me. I’m the man of the house. Don’t worry about them. We do what will help us. They should also do what will help them.”

We’ve been in this house for only seven months but no one talks to me. They prefer talking behind my back. When I finish bathing and come out, nobody in the house wants to go in right after me. They think I will bewitch them. We want to move out but there’s no house in this village better than what we are living in. Again, what shows we’ll have peace in the next house we are going to rent? Because of the name-calling, I can see my husband has toned down on the kind of help he gives around the house.

What should I do? Gradually I’ll lose my husband’s output towards house chores. If he loses it entirely, it would be difficult for me to get it back and that’s my fear. We won’t live forever in this village. Someday, we’ll seek and get a transfer to a better place where we can have peace to model our marriage the way we want it. I don’t want that day to come and meet a husband who has lost his magic. What should I do to keep my husband engaged in doing household chores?

By Joan

FACTS ABOUT SLEEP, SEX AND INTIMACY

1. When you go to bed clean and not stinking of sweat or odour. By maintaining good hygiene you excite your spouse to have sex with you. Cleanliness heightens sexiness

2. Sleep is the highest form of trust; an adult to close ones eyes and be powerless and safe in bed with another adult. A spouse who feels comfortable sleeping with you, trusts you

3. The quickest way to destroy the marriage bed is for your spouse to suspect you are cheating. It is not enough to be faithful, your spouse must also perceive that you're faithful. Desist from doing things that make your spouse perceive you are cheating even though you're not: Things like keeping secrets, or being extra friendly to people of the opposite gender

4. When you come home early, you will have enough time to spend with family which will lead to good sleep. Don't give your family the exhausted and hurried you

5. Make time for intimacy and special time with your spouse. Don't let life rush you to the point your marriage is surviving on quickies and hurried sex. Allow yourselves ample time to make love

6. Get in to the habit of telling your spouse "Good night" and "Good morning", preferably with a kiss. These words are simple but crucial. When you just sleep or wake up without concluding the day or starting the day right, it shows disregard to your spouse's feelings. The two greatest moments that define a marriage is how each day is started and concluded

7. Dress for comfort but also dress to arouse and excite your spouse when in bed. Don't look good when you go to work and in public and then fall short to the one person you should visually stimulate

8. Develop a habit of making out. Yes, married couples need to make out too. Fondle her breasts, kiss, touch, grab each other, kisses on the skin

9. Before your spouse sleeps, find out how he/she is emotionally

10. When you notice your spouse is exhausted, allow him/her to rest and talk when you're both fresh tomorrow. Show that you understand. Just because what you wanted doesn't happen today, doesn't mean it won't happen tomorrow. Don't be alarmed. Your spouse is not going anywhere

11. Avoid chatting with people on the phone late in the night when with your spouse, avoid TV and social media too. Night is for the one you consider special

12. Heighten your spouse's self confidence in bed by giving compliments

13. Don't expect things to be OK in bed between you two, if you have been treating your spouse poorly and rudely during the day

14. Invest in pillow talks. Pillow talks are not primarily for talking about issues, but for connecting emotionally. Yes, talk about issues when they arise, but focus more on intimate conversations

15. When your body gets enough rest, you two will enjoy great sex, you will better meet each other's emotional needs

16. When you do have an infant/s, take turns in looking after the baby so that you give each other space to rest

17. A tired mind struggles in relationship building. Give a fresh you to your spouse and children

18. Occasionally deliberately have lazy days where you two as a couple sleep all through, chill in bed, go on a go slow, and don't do anything but enjoy each others company. If need be, take a vacation or book a hotel room. Invest in intimacy

19. Incase you notice you two are drifting apart and not connecting as you used to, do not complain and attack your spouse for the change because that will push him/her away or make your spouse defensive. Instead, lure your spouse back to you progressively and naturally. Have good times, laugh, show care, be easy to talk to. People gravitate to experiences that are safe and light, not forced ones

Things A Mum Teaches Her Daughter Before Marriage!!*

1. My daughter, don’t cause a separation between your man and his siblings; it could be dangerous for you when they finally speak with one voice.

2. My daughter, I know that some of you girls don’t wish to marry a man whose mother is still alive, don’t ever think like that, if you do, well, I think your son’s wife-to-be should start wishing you're dead now.

3. My daughter, listen to me, when I married your father, he was as tiny as his salary but I chose to grow with him and today, those cars out there are some of the results of what we started so little, together, and we’re proud looking at them.

4. My daughter, there is this thing i see happening in your time, some of you girls now get pregnant before the wedding day, well, it never happened in our time because no matter what, we never opened our laps before the wedding.

5. My daughter, well, yes, I once locked up the cloth of your father because I got to my limit of patience and that was the only thing I could do, but one thing I haven’t said was that we settled the issue that same day and that was the last time I tried that.

6. My daughter, look up there. That’s the wedding picture of your father and I, look at him smiling, I know you've seen it many times but what you did not know is that your father was angry before taking this picture, I hope you find a man whose anger doesn't last till the next day.

7. My daughter, when your Father was riding a bicycle, I was always happy to hop on it and ride with him, not because I didn't see those men in their little cars but because my eyes also saw those men trekking to their farms.

8. My daughter, if you and your husband eat a little food with love, you both would be satisfied. Times are not always the same; support him in every phase he’s passing through.

9. My daughter, don’t ever close your laps to your husband in bed , the day he paid your dowry was the day you lost your will to do so, don’t be stiff and try to satisfy him even if you were angry with him.

10. My daughter, a man would respect you and be more proud of you if you’re learned and not totally dependent on him. Strive to make your own money and while you're at it, be humble.

11. My daughter, under the cocoa tree that I did meet with your Father was open and good enough for our discussions, yes; it was open and good enough if you understand what I mean.

12. My daughter, in our time, we had sexy legs and firm bosoms to show our men , in fact, we had the finest ones, yet, when we dress, we cover those parts of our body, not because we were not civilized as you people would call it, but because we know that the eyes of men are hungry, many of them would only come, touch and go their way.

13. My daughter, there is this thing you girls now practice, they say it’s feminism. Well, you can prove to be equal to a man in the society but please, not in your marriage because at my old age, I don’t want to start counting your husbands.

14. My daughter, marriage is not a Rehabilitation Centre, if he’s not good enough for you before marriage, nothing he does would be good

enough after marriage.

15. My daughter, you can see I still wear my night gown , yes, because to my husband; your father, I still want to look sexy. So, take good care of your body, look good for your man and don’t look like a grandma after giving birth.

16. My daughter, I’m your mother and still, I'm not interested in you coming to me always if anything goes wrong with your husband. Though nowadays I see some mothers controlling the homes of their sons and daughters, I would only say; shame on them!

17. My daughter, for you to have a peaceful home and well-trained children, have one voice with your husband, join him to say NO when he’s saying NO before the kids but later when you both are alone, you can plead with him for a YES, if not, the

children will see a loophole to misbehave, either to you or their father.

18. My daughter, if you chose to live together with a man that you’re yet to be married to , and you are complaining that he hasn't proposed to you, oh, he already did. Whatever he said that made you start living with him was his proposal.

19. My daughter, your generation does not see any pride in been a virgin before marriage, it’s a shame! Your father met me a virgin and he brought more yams to my parents and up till today, he’s still proud of me when we discuss in that direction.

20. My daughter, I know that no man out there is complete, but when you are looking for your tall, slim, fair and handsome, if he’s a woman-beater, please, go for the short, fat, dark and ugly that will give you the respect you deserve as a woman.

21. My daughter, know, learn and respect the culture and lifestyle of whoever you chose to marry . In some part of Africa, you knee down to greet your man’s parents while in some part outside Africa; you can even call them by their first name and ask for a

handshake. Whatever they believe in, if you've chosen him, believe it with him also.

22. My daughter, don’t ever try to date a married man, whether his excuse was that he doesn't find happiness with his wife or he would have married you if he had met you first, if you ever try it, I curse you already.

23. My daughter, when I say over 52 years of marriage , it wasn't that I did not see any reason to leave your father, I saw a lot of them but I bear his faults, i forgave him to stay married.

24. My daughter never insult your husband no matter what happens, always allow him to express himself as the man, remember what the bible says respect and honor your husband always.

25. My daughter, these are part of the wisdom i have gathered over the years. and If I had taken my time to tell you all these, and your marriage doesn't last like that of your father and I, then I had wished i never gave birth to you.

SIGNS OF IMMATURITY IN MARRIAGE FOR MEN

1. Rejecting food when there's an issue:

Mr husband, you gave your wife money for

food and after it was prepared you refused

to eat because you are angry. It's one of the greatest signs of immaturity, it's time to grow up! You should not even abandon your home for any reason. You could go somewhere when angry but ensure that you don't allow it to linger unnecessarily because that is enough for the devil to build on even though some women can be really troublesome.

2. Telling your wife severally that you are the head:

May I let you know that even when your wife disobeys/ disrespect you she still knows that you are the head. You need not shout or scream it daily. Or do we need to get you a slot on CNN? It's important for you to know when and how to be firm and put your feet down over issues, however don't become a nagging husband just to prove that you are the head.

3. Issuing threats:

beating, verbally abusing

your wife, issuing threats of divorce or

bragging about marrying another wife does

not make you a man. An EMPTY barrel makes the loudest noise. Your strength is in your ability to tame your tongue and control your fist. When she is acting her "childish woman" part, play the "matured man."

4. Reporting your wife to friends and family:

When your wife offends you, correct

and talk things through. You don't have to tell everyone about her mistakes, that will paint her black and sell her cheap such that you will not be able to redeem her back.

By the way, are you a reporter answer my question ?

5. Keeping malice:

is it not funny to know that some men keep malice? Some of them even nag, criticise, abuse and call their wives names in public. It may make you look like a "big boy" who's in control but you are not going to gain anything good from it, your home will only be a den of insults and confrontations.

6. Not helping with house chores:

I must say here that it is the sole responsibility of a woman to tend and manage a home when she chooses to be a full time house wife.

However, it's not a bad thing if a man lends a helping hand when necessary. Watching football with newspaper in your hand every evening, not caring how stressful the house chores are will only increase the pressure on your wife and if you truly care you'll help, just checking on her while busy could encourage and sooth her, this also makes you a good example to the kids especially the boys. Some men don't even say "thank You" to their wives after eating, all they do is compare her with other women. It's a shame that after having 3-4 kids some men cannot change a simple diaper or prepare cereal meals; a big shame.

My point?

A REAL man is a pillar of support to his wife, not a hole of depression